trying not to let myself catch fire in sympathy of others
For the past couple of years now, I’ve avoided the news.
Don’t get me wrong, I stay informed in small doses, but for many years I was trying to maintain the level of activity many online do, and it was slowly destroying me.
Fear is corrosive; no different than a poison, it wrought disaster wherever it touched. Constant stress will leave one ill like a pathogen — flesh tender and swollen with stress; fevers and aches coming on at the drop of a hat; brittle nails and frail lips, littering each task with pangs of pain.
However, the worst of it was how it rotted my mind.
How it burnt holes into my sense of self, leaving memories discolored and distorted.
How it replaced everything I’d ever felt with paranoia and anger when I turned my back.
I’m happy (it wont last)
I’m sad (everyone is sick of you)
I love him (what if he leaves me)
I like my art (no one else will)
A good law got passed (5 bad ones are next)
I grew distant and irritable. I always had something to complain about. I started seeking out arguments online, for some forsaken reason.
I felt like a cornered animal more often than not and I couldn’t even tell you why.
I lost a lot of friends, damaged my relationship heavily at the time, and was just generally shit to be around then.
A few years later, I realized that the worst of it may have even been a mild bout of psychosis.1
Ultimately, I ended up escaping the rut of hatred and fear to save my relationship.
The bitterness I spewed one day made my partner look at me with what I could only perceive as a mix of disgust and sadness.
A new worst case scenario flashed before me: what if he hates me now.
I’ll never forget the sinking feeling — and I’ll never stop being thankful that wasn’t the case.
I’m not sure what the point of this post is, but the entire ordeal made me realize 3 things:
- You truly can’t rely on other people, even the people closest to you, to realize that you need help.
- Paranoia can manifest in a way that just looks extremely bitchy and self-centered from the outside.
- I can’t keep up with the news as much as I would like. To be safe, I don’t really talk about current events online.
A couple of my doctors since then agree that sounds probable considering things, but we can’t be sure now really↩